04/01/13

So this is a great day starting out! I finally got a laptop, so now I am able to do a lot more of my work from home. I can also do my therapy sessions via Skype too. I am still waiting for my last letter, which is driving me insane. It's like I take 2 steps forward and get knocked back 3. But all in due time. Everything happens for a reason, but I at least want to get everything done before winter.

08/13/13 - Top Surgery Around the Corner!

Proud to support breast cancer research! With cancer running in my family, I thought it would only be right to do as much as I could to find a cure. With the removal of my breast tissue during my top surgery, the tissue will be donated for breast cancer research. It is a blessing that I am able contribute to such a worthy cause, but I am asking for your help as well. The amount is that of which my insurance will not cover for my top surgery. By contributing to my cause, I will be able to proceed with the surgery and donate my breast tissue for breast cancer research. Any amount will help, as I also will be making monetary donations myself. This is an extremely important cause for me, and I would like to thank you in advance for you support! My surgery is right around the corner and every little bit helps!

03/26/13

And here I am again. I am still currently waiting on my last letter from my therapist, so I can submit everything to my insurance company for top surgery. It seems like my reality is so close, but yet so far away. Once I get this last letter, everything else will be rolling accordingly. I am still working and anticipating being out for some time due to recovery. I know my co-workers will be happy for me, and I am ready for it to be over with. I am ready to confront my parents now.... more than ever. I want to do it right before my surgery, so there aren't too many moves they can make (e.g. talking me out of it, etc.). I love my parents, but I have to do what is best for me. They do not have to approve, as I am not looking for approval, but I don't want the disrespect to follow. That is where I will draw the line. I know they will be embarrassed because they are very "image conscious" people. Very well known in the church, and to find out that there little girl is now a grown man, it will be a culture shock for them. I am almost for certain I won't be able to go to church with them anymore, and to be extreme, they may write me off and tell everyone I am passed. This is just to save their image in the church. With my father a minister and my mom a missionary, I can anticipate this going oh so wrong.

I am focusing on me and my schooling at this present time. I was in a relationship, and figured I had to back away from it. I am not saying she is a bad woman or anything, but she has done and said some things that had me question my process.... and that is not a good thing, and then I began to question the people around me and their support. It was hard to accept someone who I thought loved me and whom I loved very much to be so hurtful, but that is the way of the world. I would have expected it from a stranger, but no one who actually knew and was informed of the other things I was going through.

I still remain positive, although I will have a lot to face in the near near future. I am still loving my own place and being by myself! It is so nice to just come home and chill... I can clean when I want (which is very often), I can be comfortable in my crib, and I can go to bed as early or as late as I want! I tend to go early because of school and the fraternity.... which by the way, we have just hit our 2 year mark! I am working with the founder now to set up a scholarship fund for individuals of trans experience to assist with surgeries. Being that I am saving so much, I figured it would only be appropriate to put the amount that I have saved as the first funds for the scholarship. I need to figure out what I want to call it. Probably Mu Man something. LOL. But I know that I have to get my paperwork in order, and I may be able to get some grants and stuff to help with the funding of some of it. I have no idea how to write a grant proposal; however, I have a lot of contacts that I am sure would love to be a part of this!

But that is all I have for now.... Until next time!

03/01/2013- WHEW! Been a long time!

It has been over a year since the last time I wrote in my blog. How the time flies! So many different things have happened and changed during the course of the year. Not too much though, but enough for it to be noticeable! Where shall we begin....

Well, I was working on saving the money to go get my top surgery done, but being that my insurance company is going to cover it, I really don't have too much to worry about.... other than trying to find a surgeon that will take insurance for the procedure. I have found one, and with my insurance, it requires me to have 2 therapist letters and one from my endo. Well, I was able to get all three of my letters and will be submitting them to my insurance company this month. It typically takes an additional month for approval, but I would be saving a ton of money. My sister will be traveling with me to make sure that I am OK and to take care of me. At least for the first week, and then I am going to Atlanta for my cousins and them to help. I have a great phamily!

My parents still do not know that I am medically transitioning; however, they have no choice but to know this year because of surgery. I told myself that I was not going to go into surgery without them knowing. My mom is already pressuring me to let her come to VA. I already know it is going to be an issue, and I am mentally and emotionally prepared to take whatever comes. My parents are more image people. They care about what people think of them, and being that my father is a minister in a Pentecostal church and my mom being a missionary.... I will be living in all types of hell, and God doesn't love me, and this and that. To be honest, I don't even know if they will be keeping me in their life. If not, it will hurt, but I have a huge support system and I am sure they will hold me down.

I am still working my butt off, but I have my own place now! WHOOP WHOOP! It was big change, and I am loving the independence! I watch what i want to watch, eat what i want to eat, and do what I want to do in MY HOUSE! This is the most comfortable I have felt in a long time.

Of course.... I have been traveling quite a bit, and my have an opportunity to go to India this year for work! Am I excited? Hell yeah! Am I scared? HELL YEAH! But I do not want to regret any of my decisions.... so if this is a way for me to travel overseas.... I will take it! Especially if it is free!!! Who wouldn't?!?! Now granted, I have only been on a plane once and that was from Atlanta to Houston. Not a bad flight, but I will say the 4 year old next to me put me to shame.

I have decided to start working on a book regarding my life as a black man, but a black man of trans experience. I have to reach out to some writers that one of my really good friends put me in touch with. I am excited to see what is to come. I have a lot of experiences during my journey, and not everyone journey's is the same; however, we are all not pregnant men or Chaz Bono. This is one thing that I want to bring to the attention of society.

Here are some pictures of me now.... I have changed a lot since the last time I began writing this blog. I have been medically transitioning for 2 years now, so i am "blending" a lot more now than I was a year ago. It has been a long time coming, but I am so ready to have my top surgery. I have been thinking about having bottom surgery, but I know that will not be in the future any time soon. I know that it be a good minute before I have this surgery.

12/21/2011 - Please help!

12/08/2011

It's been a long, long, long time. This month will make 7 months on testosterone. I have increased in facial hair, my voice is deeper, my skin is thicker, I am hairier, and I have an extremely low tolerance level for bullshit now. I will be setting up my top surgery at the beginning of next year (YAY ME), and I have been actively educating those who are not familiar with FTM's or transitioning. I still have not told my mother or father about my transition, and you think that I would by now after 7 months. I am really trying to wait until my sister moves out so she won't get the blunt end of the stick once I inform them of my decision. I am no longer afraid to lose them, but I am afraid of how they might treat my twin. So this is why I will wait... I have been through so much in the past 3, 4 months... I won't even go into that much detail. i find myself alone in my transition process. Those who were there in the beginning are no longer there, and those who have supported me continue to doubt my process. I am fine with that, as I am not transitioning for anyone else, I began my transition long before I knew those who have their heads so far up their asses all they can talk is shit, and to question my transition or why I'm transitioning, you can kick rocks and kiss my ass. I am a transman. God saw fit for me to experience the life of a female, and appreciate a woman, before he gave me the courage to take the steps in becoming the man he wanted me to be all along.

Now that I have all of that off of my chest.... As far as my surgery, I have decided to go with Dr. Garramone. He does not take insurance, and that is alright with me. I am willing to pay out of pocket... I'm going to get the money back anyway through my insurance company. Beginning January 1st, 2012, my employer will be covering my Sex Reassignment Surgeries... so no worries. I have found many ways to increase my income. This includes school, a part time job, and a side business I have created for myself. It is a tough job, but someone has to do it. I do not expect any help from anyone in regards to what I am trying to do. I will gladly take donations and will not turn them down, but I am not expecting them. This is my process, and I would love to see myself through to the end. I am excited to get my date set and get things on a roll. Hopefully, I will get everything done soon, and I will be able to post my photos.

08/28/2011

We made it through Hurricane Irene. She uprooted a few tress, did a little property damage, turned off some power, and created pools where there were none, but everyone is safe in my camp. I am included in the 15% in VA that continues to have power. I took my T shot on Friday during the hurricane, which is something that I will probably never forget. I decided to give myself my own shots from here on out. My ex gave me my shot last week and it hurt like hell! She went in at an angle and when I said ouch, she pulled it out and had to stick me again. I keep trying to tell her regardless of whatever noises I make, don't pull out! It makes the needle dull.... and then when you stick it in again, it hurts worse. LOL. No more shot giving for her. I got my new Social Security card Friday!!!! YAY ME!!!! It has my new name and everything. I am waiting to get my driver's license done because in the state of VA, they have to mail you your driver's license and I will be moving next weekend and do not have a permanent address. I don't want them sending my license to the old address, especially if I don't have a key to the mail box. Now that I am almost done with this, I have been doing my research on getting my surgeries done (top and hysto). I want to get my hysto done first because once I get my top done, I can get my gender marker changed on all of my paperwork. And of course, once I am officially male, my insurance will not cover me for a hysto. There is a doctor out in Norfolk that caters to the trans community.... but I know that my PCP will be able to point me in the right direction as well. I have been having a lot on my plate, and I have come to a point in my life to where I am ready to tell my parents. I am tired of trying to hide and when they call me by my name I just freeze and cringe a little. LOL. I guess I am getting use to my new name and I am ready for all of this to be over with. During my transition, I have met a lot of men and people in different phases of their transitions which I am happy to know. The ones that have been transitioning for a while, I learn a lot from, and for the newbies, I am able to share what I have learned from others as well as my experiences. I am so ready to go into work tomorrow and be able to have all of my paperwork (i.e. pay check, insurance, email) all changed over so it can be official in their records. You will be hearing a lot from me, being as though I do not have a lot going on since I'm not in school right now.... Be blessed!!!

08/21/2011

Today makes 3 months that I have been on testosterone (14 shots). It feels good to finally see some of the changes that the hormone can do! My voice has dropped once again, and it's kind of funny trying to talk sometimes. If I do not talk in my normal tone of voice (now), it will crack and sometimes squeak! LOL. Sometimes I have to laugh at myself. I have noticed that my little man down below has grown.... a lot! I know that might be a TMI situation, but hell, it's my blog and I am documenting all of the changes that are taking place! I have noticed that my skin is a little tougher than it once was, and my face has become oilier, which in turn, i am getting acne all over again, just like when I was going through puberty. It is not as bad, as I clean my skin often!!!! I have noticed that my muscle has changed as well.... my arms are becoming stronger and all the fat that I once had is moving to my stomach area (beer belly). I'm working hard to get it off. For some reason, when I take my shot, I get extremely tired now.... but I have noticed that I am more hungry and my metabolism has increased... although I am tired all of the time. I tried to get my social security card changed as well as my driver's license  on Saturday, but the Social Security Administration offices were closed. I have to get up early tomorrow morning to get all of that done, so I will be able to change everything in the system at work. I hope that they take a new picture of me for my new ID card, considering I do not have my locs anymore. but I just wanted to come through and say HAPPY 3 MONTH ANNIVERSARY to me!!!

08/13/2011

Oh boy! It has been an extremely long time since I have graced my blog pages. I hope everyone is doing well. Nothing much has changed... still haven't switched over any of my paperwork (driver's license, SS card, etc...) which this is on my top of my things to do list. I want to go ahead and get all of that switched over so they can change my name on my payroll checks and email address at work. I would also have to get all of my credit cards and bank information switched over.... my stocks and bonds... this is work people! LOL. Anyway, I still haven't told my parents. I know I know.... what am I waiting for? Well, it does not matter what age you are, you still don't want to disappoint your parents in any way. I am sure of myself and I know that this is what I need to do in order to live a happy life, but the fact that I may never see them again because of this haunts me. Oh well.... I am going to have to tell them sooner rather than later being that I will be in Atlanta in September. Speaking of September... my birthday is coming up. (YAY ME). I will be 31 years old... it seems like yesterday I was 25... I have started to see grey hairs on the top of my head, and I am not ready for that just yet.

This is what you all have been waiting for! The changes:
I have been on testosterone (believe it nor not I couldn't even spell this until I began my journey) for 13 weeks now, and I have seen some changes.
1.) Tone. My voice dropped, and is continuing to drop. I have attempted to speak in my normal tone of voice to no avail. LOL. My voice is cracking like a 13 year old horny male teenager. Sometimes it's funny, and other times, it's just embarrassing. LOL
2.) FACIAL HAIR! This was a really big thing for me... even though I do not believe facial hair makes a man, if you have a beard or a mustache, it's hard for people to mistake you for a woman. I had a mustache but I cut it off... and kept my little chin hair. I have been playing around with looks (facial hair duh) to see what fits my face. I am comfortable with just having the chin hair for right now. I have noticed that I have some stubble coming in. I do shave everyday, regardless if I have hair on my face or not. A friend of mine told me that if you shave everyday, you will start to see it come in... and he was right. Thanks POPS!
3.) Stronger. There are things I can do now that I couldn't do a year ago! I bought the P90X dvd's a while ago and attempted to use them.... and laughed at myself. I have started back doing the P90X and when I couldn't do one push up on the damn video, I can do 30 with no problem. All different forms of push ups.
4.) Attitude. Things that use to bother me, no longer do. I have more of a nonchalant attitude towards things now. If you want to talk to me, then ok. If not, well leave me alone. LOL
5.) Body in general. My body odor has changed. I smell more manly now, and also I am starting to sweat a lot more. Don't worry, I'm not funky, but I can smell a difference. LOL.

I have been talking to a lot of people that are very supportive of my transition process. Still waiting for a chance to tell my story across the country. I have joined an FTM Greek Fraternity since the last blog. It is called Mu Omega Nu Fraternity and I am so proud to be a member! It is a bond of brotherhood that I have been seeking that I could not find anywhere else. We are all in different stages of our journey, but we are all men, and we love each other as our brothers.

I cut my locs off! I wanted a more professional male look so I cut them off about 2 weeks ago. I believe I look better with them off. Just my opinion. I have been exercising everyday and watching what I'm eating. I took a semester off on school to focus on ME, and will be returning on September 24th (5 days before my birthday). I won't be going to Capella anymore, but I will be going somewhere here in VA. Stay tuned! I am also changing my major to Criminal Justice.

Here is a picture of me without my locs.... sooooo much better!

Here is another picture of me without my locs... you can also see my little chin hair. Do you think my facial structure has changed also?

Here is a link to the FTM Greek Fraternity I am a member of.... just in case someone is interested.

Mu Omega Nu Fraternity

06/04/2011

It has been a long time people! Just to catch you up on a few things, of course as you all know I got the prescription for testosterone, and I was waiting on the approval code form my insurance company. How about they denied me! I was a little taken aback by all of this and the first thing I did was contact my HR rep. I simply told her that I was under the impression that I would be covered for my HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). I ended up having to fork over $90 for my T. Come to find out, the insurance company gave me the wrong information and all I need to do is fax over my receipts and my Rx labels and I will get reimbursed. LOL. I was 5000 hot when they told me I was denied for coverage on my prescription. But today is shot day, and for the past 2 weeks, my homeboy has been giving me my shot (from his bottle). Which I owe him 2 shots now, but this morning my ex actually gave me my shot and she did really good! I filled the syringe for her and the whole while she was asking me, now how do i stick you? LOL. I was like just push the needle in.... Is it all the way in? Yes! LOL. Okay.... now push the testosterone in slowly.... is it going in? No.... what am I doing wrong? LOL. Nothing, it's just thick that's all.... OKAY OKAY... ITS GOING IN! Good.... is it all in? Yes... now what do I do? Pull the needle out and put a band aid on it, and you're done. I don't like doing that because I think it hurts you.... this was the extent of the conversation. LOL! I went to my barber today to get an edge up and he said wow! I notice the changes already! He is one of my biggest supporters during my transition. I was scared when I first told him because I didn't want him to be out of the loop when he has to trim my goatee and mustache.... but he was very open and sensitive to it and now he is loving seeing the changes and all. It seems like since I have been on T, I am a lot calmer with my emotions. I do have more energy and my sex drive has increased. I go to the gym everyday... I've noticed that I have lost weight in some areas and that I have gained some muscle. I seem to be stronger... there was a point when i couldn't do 5 push ups in a row and now I can do 15 in a row with no problem. I run a lot more now (killing the cardio), and I do a lot of weight training for my chest and arms. I want to make sure that when I go and have the top surgery, that my chest will be nice once I heal. I do situps (about 70 a day), so I can get the ab definition that I want as well.....

On another note, I have still yet to tell my parents and I haven't mailed their letter off either. i guess I am procrastinating.... which doesn't help the situation any better, but I don't know. i feel like I should tell them, but in a way it's my life and I don't need anyone's approval of what I do in it. I guess I just want them informed before they see me and really see the changes.

I still haven't gotten any of my paperwork changed over either.... I keep trying to push myself to get up in the morning and get the shyt done! I need to get my SS# card changed and then once I do that, i can get my driver's license changed and then everything else (i.e. bank, paycheck, etc.). I will post pictures the next time so you can see the changes week by week.

05/22/2011

Oh boy it has been a long time!!!! I have been meaning to put something up for a minute, but with all of these doctor appointments and now my work schedule has changed, and we are restricted to some Internet sites.... it's all good though! I am still here! So let me catch up on a few things... I have started another department within my job and they all call me Byron. Another name doesn't even slip up and I'm loving it!!!! I actually passed in the restaurant... a waitress said sir instead of ma'am.... do you know how good that feels?!?!?! Well, I'm on cloud 9 about that one. Also, I took my first T shot last night. I was over my homeboys house and he was like hey, I can give you your first shot. I was like ok.... being that I did go see Dr. Burris and all and he prescribed me the T, I thought I was good. I thought I would have gotten it that same day and that I could get the shot later on that week (saw him on Tuesday, was suppose to get my training class on Thursday). Well.... in order for me not to pay a million dollars (just exaggerating), I have to wait for some authorization code from my insurance company. I have waited.... and waited.... and waited.... and still no authorization code or lack of one! So i went ahead and turn my prescription into a pharmacy that is the cheapest around here.... the only thing is, they can't get the testosterone until Wednesday... which I was fine with. i was just thinking I would have to start the T next weekend. But my boy hooked me up! He showed me how to fill the syringe and how to prep everything! He gave me some of his T (which is fine because we are prescribed the same dosage and the same type of T so it's no difference), just so I can get the experience of it and it was great! I felt like I wanted to run a Marathon!!! I still want to run a Marathon! LOL. I worked out sooooo hard today and i am not even tired. i also have some other kick ass news too.... I went to the mail box and low and behold, my name change paperwork came in today! I am now officially Byron Sebastian Salter!!!! I can't wait until I tell my mom all of this. It ought to be fun and all.... and no, I still have not told them what I am doing. I don't want to wait until it's too late, but I am kind of waiting for the right time. I know that my sister is okay with it, but I know my mom is going to have a fit! I am sure that with time, she will be alright..... But that's it for right now. i have to go and start changing all of my paperwork and my social security card and driver's license. This ought to be fun! #TeamByron!

05/11/2011

It has been a wonderful week! I have started my new postion at my job and my new shift. That's why i haven't been on here that often. I actually get home about 12 midnight, and then in the morning when I wake up, I do my workout (which is a plus for night time shift). Everything has been working out so well for me there too! All of the new associates on my team call me Byron, I no longer get the strange looks and stares when I entered into the men's restroom, and it feels great! i actually passed as a man for the first time in God knows how long at the gas station. I held open the door for a man, and he said 'thank you, sir'. I thought I was going to piss on myself (LOL)!

Soooooo... ONE WEEK! I actually take my 'T' shot in one week. I ahve been waiting for this moment for at least 13 years! I still haven't told my parents yet. I have tried to compose a letter for them, and then read it on the phone to them. I need to watch that Becoming Chaz special that was shown on OWN tonight. I do have it recorded, so I will be watching that tomorrow morning.... or at least by this weekend.

I did in fact find an FTM greek organization that I am researching.... hopefully I will be able to make a decision by this Fall so I know where I stand.

I am still greiving the death of my grandmother but it has gotten a lot better. of course with Mother's Day passing, it got really hard, and there are some days when I'm thinking to call her and then realizing that she won't answer the phone. Those are the hard times, but I know that she is in Heaven looking down on me and smiling. I knew that she was always proud of me, but I am still battling with the fact that her death could very well be God's way of saying "I approve", does that make sense? I mean, my grandmother didn't mind me transitioning as long as she wasn't here to see all of the physical changes I would be going through, and no sooner did she say that, she was ill in a hospice and then passed. Regardless, even thought I haven't told my parents yet, I am still going to go ahead with the process full force. Growing up in a Pentecostal house hold was no fun, and I am sure this will be a gut buster for them. I am still anticipating my shot day..... so of course there will be more to come!!!!

05/01/2011

Well.... MAY IS HERE! And you know what that means.... I take my shot this month. I have a little over 2 weeks before I take it and I am soooo excited. I haven't had any incidents in the bathroom lately (that's a whole other story). The looks have decreased as well as the people looking and then talking about me behind my back. LOL. I have a meeting tomorrow morning with my new crew from my new department about what is going on as well. I hate that I am putting my company through all of this. Meeting after meeting after meeting.... and then I decide to move departments and now I have to have another meeting with the new folks. but it is all good. I am a little nervous about this one just for the simple fact there are a lot of folks there that I don't know and this is my first time working with a lot of them.

One another note, I have started my diet today. I actually woke up early this morning and had a wonderful workout. There was an older man in there and he was just talking my ear off, but he was good company. I walked on the treadmill for about an hour and then I started with the weight training. I did my upper part today. But the man at the gym told me that good cradio is if you speed walk for 90 seconds, and then run as fast as you can for 30 seconds, and repeat that for about 8 times. He said that he reads the women's digest magazines (which i'm wondering why HE does), and he said that if you do that at least 3 times a week, then that is the most effective way to loose the weight. I will be starting that trend on Monday and will continue on Wednsday and Friday. I will go to the gym on Tuesdays, Thrusdays and Saturdays. Sundays will be my rest day and I might do some Yoga (which I have been meaning to find a class for). I am excited then about my new life and what is about to come the next few weeks.

04/27/2011

What a day what a day! I have been successful at using the men's restroom at work, and still getting the strange looks. My co-worker has actually been concerned because he's like 'well what will happen if someone is really offended and decides to take matters into his own hands'? I thought he posed a very good question, so I am going to my HR rep to see if there is anything we could do to notify all associates on what is going on. I do not need any problems at work, and I don't want to have to fear of any kind of malice retaliation. Apparently I am the talk of the town at work. They have been asking questions to other people, but they have not come to me to see what is going on. Which is fine. I anticipated that this would happen, but it will not deter me from what I am trying to do.

On the other hand, my ex and I had a long talk last night about my transition. Everything seems to be fine right now because I'm not passing 100%. But I did ask her how she truly felt about my transition process and she said she didn't know. She was like I don't know if I am willing to be with you or not because of the transition, we just have to wait and see. WOW is what I thought. She also stated that she is thinking that I won't go through with it because of my parents. How I am easily able to conform to what they want me to do, so how am I going to take it if they say no I don't want you to be a man, you're my daughter! I told her that I am willing to let them go to make me happy. And it just totally changed my mood on everything. I don't want to say that I am second guessing what I'm doing, but to hear some of the things she was saying kind of hurt my feelings. It's like... do people think I want to run the risk of letting my family go knowing that this is something they will be totally against? Do you believe that I would run the risk of being embarrassed to my parents friends and knowing that they very well might be ashamed of me and shun me? It's not that i woke up out of the blue one morning and was like 'hey! Let me try this MAN thing out'. This took a lot of thought and courage for me to voice that this is what I want to do. I have been controlled all of my life, even through religion, I had to be something I was not. I did not have the freedom to express myself and be the person I know that I was intended to be. I know that this will probably hurt them, and I run the risk of them not wanting anything to do with me anymore, but I have lived my life to everyone else standards and not my own. No one knows the real me because the real me doesn't exist right now. I know that she probably has my best interest at heart, but that was something I did not need to hear at that very moment. If you are going to support me, do it 110%.... I know my parents better than anyone and I expect the worst and hope for the best when it comes to me bringing this to the table. I take my shot in a little over 2 weeks and I can't stop just for anyone. This is my life, and people have to realize that this is a decision that I have made... not for them, but for me. I am confident in what I know I want. I just wish the people who are closest to me realize that.

04/26/2011

Well, I must say that it has become more comfortable for me to start using the men's restroom at my job now. I don't get the stares like I did yesterday. I guess they are getting use to it! LOL. Everyone has been asking me how was my first day using the new name at work and all, and I love it. My co-workers are really good about using my name and using the male pronouns. They all want to know how the men's restroom differ from the females, and I tell them "I don't know, but what I do know is that I am more comfortable in there than I am in a woman's bathroom". LOL. What I need to do now is get some time together and the money up to go ahead and get my named changed. That way, it can reflect on my name badge and my email and everything. This means that I am going to have to call all of my credit cards and banks to have it changed over. I am also going to have to go the the Social Security office to get it changed over, and then I can go to the DMV and get my license changed to the new name. I can't get the 'M' for sex changed until I go through the entire process.... which entails the top surgery that I am so ready to get.

I have been showered with love and support since I voiced that this is something that I wanted to do. I really can't thank people enough for all of their kind words. Like stated prior, I really just want my parents to be okay with this. I know that they won't but I am hoping that they will come to grips that this is something that has been on my heart since I was young. My whole life, I have been trying to please them and make them happy, as far as my religion is concerned. I have been manipulated, 'guiltified', and coerced into thinking that being me is something so terrible. I had to be something that they were proud of (trophy wise). I had to be the little dressed up dolled up little woman, who is suppose to marry a man, have children, and suppress any and all things that was considered abnormal (to them). To me, that was a far fetched idea. I want to get married, and have children, but I want to marry the woman of my dreams and be the MAN that she has waited for. Living in a guilty household and being afraid to express who you are and your true feelings has hindered me in such a way, all I wanted was acceptance from them. I know that they will love me no matter what, but I know that they will be ashamed to be around me in front of other family members and even their friends. I just want to be who I really am around them. I am not a shameful person.... I stand firm in what I believe in and what I want to do with my life... and that's just it. It is my life and not theirs.

04/25/2011

I have arrived!!!! I just used the men's restroom at my job... no one said anything while I was in there. But one of my co-workers kinda clapped (applauded) me in and was all smiles. I went in, handled my business, and walked out. Of course, there were two ladies walking down the hall as I was exiting the restroom. I went into the room my co-worker was in and I said 'the best'! LOL. She clapped and so did the other lady in the room. When I exited out, I saw the 2 ladies chatting it up with the guy I was in the restroom with. HA! All I did was look at them and laugh... I have finally arrived. It was kind of nerve racking just for the simple fact I am at work, and a lot of them have not seen me this way. Any other time I am cool, but being on your job for over a year.... they know who you are. I wish they would have had one big session, that way, I won't have to keep explaining it to everyone and get the strange looks and all. I know that this will take some getting use to. Especially for those that don't know and that don't understand. I am looking forward to this!!! I felt like I was in the right place.... it seemed so natural to me.... it made me feel at ease and everything.... I know that the look and the stares won't stop anytime soon... but BYRON is finally here!

04/22/2011

Well well well..... I had my meeting with my co-workers and peers at work about my transition and I must say that it went better than I thought it would be. My manager was there along with our HR department's rep. Everything went so well. We first introduced ourselves and then went right into the training. I only had the people that I am close to and work with on a regular basis in the meeting. They will moreso be my advocate during my process. I know that a lot of people will be questioning my actions (i.e. going into the men's restroom, over hearing smoeone call me 'he' or by my new name), and that's what they were in there for. Just in case other's have questions about what is going on. Because I had my old team in the meeting, I will now have to set up something for my new team (I am moving up the corporate ladder). But my co-workers all seemed so supportive and had a lot of questions for me. It was very interesting. Because a lot of them are unfamiliar with the process and with the transition itself, they had a lot of good questions, from health concerns down to the actual process itself. They are moreso concerned about how to address me and what will happen if they slip up. They are so afraid of disrespecting me, but I am glad they through everything out on the table. I was just like an open book; if you're bold enough to ask it, I am bold enough to answer it. I walked them through the entire process from my therapy sessions, my hormone replacement therapy, to my surgeries and anything else I could have thought of. I was so grateful that the HR rep was there, because she took lead of the group and anything I was unable to answer, she came and chimed right on in. I think that it went really well and that they fully understood that this is not a choice, but this is my life. I basically took them through my mental struggle and how I have been battling with this for some time now. I wanted to give them a mental picture of how I was feeling and what I am thinking. It takes a lot to open up about something so personal.

Now the only other hurdle is telling my parents. A question was brought up about how my family feels about it and that got me to thinking, I need to tell them before my first T shot. I was thinking about writing a letter and sending it to my mom so I won't have to explain anything to her face to face. I think I owe her that much to at least let her know other than just pooping up with the deep voice and the facial hair. I know that she is not going to take too kindly of it, but I need to ask her for understanding. I know that it is not going to happen over night, but I need to give her some time to process this in her head. This is the only thing that I nervous about. I need some advice about this. I know that Shane has gone through the same thing that I have with religious parents and all.... He has been a true force in my life already and has guided me in everything that I needed. This is will be the hardest part for me, but I will in fact write my mother a letter tonight and mail it off by the first of the month. Everything is still too fresh with my grandmother's death and all.... so I want to give her some time to heal from that.

04/21/2011

It is finally over. She is gone and I am okay. Of course I have my moments, but it is hard to know that my major support is gone. She will be missed greatly, and I hope she realized and know how much I loved her before she left Earth.

On a much lighter note, my meeting with my peers is tomorrow. I am excited to let them know about my journey and what all will be done. I need to get on the ball and get my name change paperwork in order, and turn that in. I will not have them start calling me by my new name, which by the way I do have a nickname (Sean), until Monday so they can take it all in and we start a new week. I am leaving my current team to go to a different department. It is all good, but now I have to let them know what I am doing. I need to call Dr. Van Cleave and let her know when my appointment for Dr. Burris is so she can have my letter prepared.

OK, my ex came up with Sean because she likes the name. She wanted my name to be Sean Bastian Salter... which sounds wonderful. That name does go hard.... but, I am sticking with Byron Sebastian because that is what I want to go by. I choose to keep Sean though just in case. If you take the first two letters of my middle name and the last two letters, it does come up to Sean. It makes it a lot easier to say verse Sebastian. LOL. So if people prefer to call me Sean, I will answer to that as well.

I have been getting a lot of emails on Facebook about my transition. A lot of love and support on there too! There are saying how brave I am and how they love reading my blogs, which makes me feel so good. I want to put my journey out there for others so they can understand. There are a lot of resources out there for transitioning from female to male, but it's nothing like have personal experiences to learn from. I am all about educating others about the process. It seems like transmen are the black sheep of the LGBT community. It's easier to accept a transwoman, but people don't realize that transmen actually exist. I want to change that, and hopefully I will be able to.

Here is my Grammie. Everything I do is dedicated to her!

04/16/2011

Well, I have been wearing my binder everyday now. I am getting use to it, but like I stated before, it's really not giving me the results that I want. I figured out that if I double bind, it does look better. So I am going to have to end up getting another binder. I was going to get one for the 'just in case' moments, but I see that I need it for other reasons. The one that I have now seems to be pushing everything together instead of pushing everything down.

I was suppose to hang out with Shane tonight, but it ended up storming and plus I still have so much to do before I head out to Atlanta for the funeral. I know he had a house full and they were all playing cards and drinking and smoking... trust me, with the day that I have had, I really needed to get away. But I want to make sure that I get enough sleep for tomorrow's journey. I ended up speaking to my mother this morning and she asked me did my sister tell her what she said. I was like ummm... what are you talking about? She stated that at the funeral she just want me to look like a nice young lady... now she has no idea that I am going through this transition as of right now, but we ended up getting in kind of a heated debate. She wants me to wear women's clothing and I told her I couldn't do that. That I would not disrespect my grandmother by going to the funeral in just anything, but it just won't look right for me to wear women's clothing. She kept begging and begging, and I didn't give in. I told her that I cannot conform to what she wants me to be just because of her insecurities and her focus being on family image. I am not going to be uncomfortable because she doesn't want to be ashamed of me. I wonder how all of this is going to blow over when I tell her that I am a man. I did tell her that right now is not the time to argue about this, at all! Then I was on the phone with my sister and she's going to pull up a Bible Scripture and was reading it to her... which of course boiled my blood. I was so offended by it, I started telling my twin how I felt. And she agreed with everything that I said was like, I never thought of it like that. Why would I make myself uncomfortable and conform into what you really WANT me to be and I am simply not that.

Well, I am off to bed now because I have to get up early to make this trip.... I will come back through soon....

04/15/2011- Dedication to my Grammie

This week has been a rough week for me. I went to see my grammie last weekend.... something was telling me to go down there. Of course, we never know how long a person will last especially when sick, so I made the trip down. I am glad that I gotten the chance to spend some time with her. She passed away yesterday (4/14), which was also my mom's birthday. Of course this day will never be the same. I am not expecting to do good with the 'first'... the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without her, Mother's Day, her birthday.... I am not looking forward to what I will feel like. Her funeral is this coming Tuesday, which I know I will have a hard time with. My mother made the comment of getting something to wear so I could look nice... I told her I work for XXXXXXX, I have to wear nice clothes. LOL. My sister then called me back and was like 'no.... she doesn't want you to look like a boy at the funeral'. It boggled me because my grammie loved me just the way that I was.... and everyone else knows how I dress, why is she so ashamed? Now I'm like.... boy she's really gonna flip when she finds out I'm transitioning!!! But like I will tell her, at least this way, I won't have to shame you in front of your friends for dressing like a boy, because now I am. Good comeback? I think so, but I know it will get my ass kicked too. But I am preparing myself to get my ultimate tattoo... my grammie's face with her birthdate and death date... almost like a mural. It will be on my back.... I wish I can put it somewhere where everyone could see it, but I don't agree with putting tattoos on my forearms or my legs because I want to be a police officer one day (believe it or not, they do look at that). Even though I know she didn't fully agree with my transition, I know that all she wanted for me was for me to be happy, and she supported that aspect of it. So here's to you grammie.... I love you, and you will be missed greatly. R.I.P. Mamie Ruth Bryant

04/12/2011

It has been a long weekend. I went to Atlanta to see my grammie and she did not look good to me. Of course my sister and mom said she looks better than what she did earlier last week. But she could hardly talk or eat anything. When she saw me, she did smile and she talks with her eyes and facial expressions. It was really good seeing her. My mom cried when I left though.... which broke my heart. My mother never cried because I was going back to VA. So it got me to thinking about asking my manager to work from home in Atlanta.... we'll see how that flies by. I at least want to be there to help them when she does come home from the hospice.

On another note... I am still waiting on my appointment to come. It was rescheduled for May 17th instead of the 3rd. I was a little upset about it, but it just gave me more time to let my mom know what I plan on doing. I was thinking about writing and sending her a letter so it will give her some time to read it, relate to it, and then respond. I was going to tell her this weekend, but I figured with everything that is going on, it would have been too much for her. When I was there this past weekend, I did meet up with a friend of mine at church (a church my sister attends). I found out that he actually went through the transition as well.... and I have been knowning him for years. He looks so wonderful, but of course I just remebered what he looked like as a female. But he looks really nice though.... he said he was on T for a year and 4 months. I can't wait to take my first shot (which I am not looking forward to really.... I hate shots!). But that's all thats been going on.... other than personal things with Brandi and all which I will not get into.... HAHAHA!

04/07/2011

I just spoke to my manager about the meetings that are scheduled to educate my job with what is going on. The first meeting is next Thursday, the 14th for the managers. It is more a diversity training session.... they won't disclose who will be transitioning, but just to cover some ground just in case someone comes to them and says 'hey I just saw such and such enter the men's bathroom'. They will be equiped to handle all of those concerns on their own before it blows up and goes to HR. The next meeting which will be out peer/agent meeting.... this is the one that I will be able to sit in and answer any questions my peers may have. I have to come up with a list of individuals that I want to attend and that will be an advocate on my behalf with their co-workers. Pretty much covering double ground. I am confident that I will not have any troubles with transitioning here at work....

So Brandi and I were having a disagreement about what my name should be. She says that Byron seems too nerdy and suggested that I go with Bandaid (I think she was just playing but knowing her.... I doubt it. LOL). And we started to go through names of what I like and what I don't like and she came up with Bryant (which I like).... this is my grammies last name and I don't know how to feel taking that on as my first. I would love to chance my last name to Bryant just to honor her.... so when I get married and have kids... the legacy will live on. But I told Brandi that I was pretty much stuck on Byron Sebastian Salter (Bastian for those who like Sebastian but chooses not to say the whole thing). I was even thinking about getting a second missle name but that's just too much. A lot of people say they don't see me as a Byron, but moreso with an artsy name like Miles or something like that. LOL. I am an artsy person so I see where that would come from.... My name will be something that will stick with me for the rest of my life.... so it has to be something I can live with, answer to, and look good on a resume....

I will be leaving for Atlanta either tonight or early tomorrow morning to see my grammie. I spoke with ym twin and she said that she seems much better in the hospice now. They keep her comfortable and drugged up so she doesn't feel any pain (which is what I am most concerned about). I just pray that whenever God takes her home, that she will no longer be in pain and she will be happier than a bee in a flower bed.....

04/06/2011

Well.... I got approved to take some time off to go see my grammie this weekend. I just wanted to spend some time with her before she passes, just to let her know that I care. We all know that she doesn't have long and as long as she is comfortable, that is really all that matters to me. I had a lot on my shoulders with her and my transition. Like stated in a previous post, at one moment she agreed and supported me all for her to say that wait until she is dead before I do it. I was wondering was this punishment for me even wanting to transition, or was this God's way of saying 'hey... this is what you plan on doing and this is my way of allowing you to do it without disrespecting your grammie'. I was battling with it all weekend when I found out she was ill. I still don't know how to take it.... does this mean I will slow down my process.... I don't think so. But it did give me a new outlook on life in general. Life is way too short to be unhappy and stressed out, and typically that is all she has been since I have known her. Down to my grandfather to what we (my twin and I) did on a day to day basis.

On another note. I received an email from the HR department today saying that they have scheduled the management training group for when I transition over. I will not be at this meeting considering it for the management team on how to handle the situation and relay the info to the other agents. And then soon after, they will be composing another meeting for my peers and the other agents that I will be attending. My therapist said that she will draw up some papers for me that I will be able to carry around just in case there is an issue at work or in public with me using the men's restroom. She said it will state what I am doing along with all of her contact information. Which is a big help to me because the last thing that I want is any issues while I'm transitioning.

I actually printed out the paperwork to complete the name change. Even though I LOVE Byron Sebastian.... some people are giving me some flack about it. LOL. They are saying they don't see me as a Byron or that it sounds like a nerdy name. I don't understand it, but as long as it looks good on a resume, I am good. Brandi came up with Treyvon Sebastian, which goes hard too.... but Byron has kinda stuck with me, and Lord knows that I am keeping Sebastian as my middle name. I was thinking about having 2 middle names. But it seems like the one that I have choosen already is a mouthful to say. LOL. This is what I will be called for the rest of my life, so it is something that I will really have to think about and consider. I don't want it to be too far from my real name as is... but I want to leave my birth name in the past because that's where it belongs.... this is a new life I am creating and I want to start fresh and brand new.

S/N: I will have to tell my parents soon about what I am going through. Because I will be taking my first testosterone shot in May, the changes will come and I don't want to wait to late to tell them. With my grammie and all, I don't want to put anything else on them that will have them stressed and depressed. But I know I need to tell them before I go to my appointment in May.... I wish I had some kind of idea on how to lay it down to them with them being so hurt about it. Well.... hope for the best and expect the worse I guess.....

UPDATE: They have changed my appointment from May the 3rd to May the 17th.... it is a two week difference.....

04/05/2011

It has truly been one of those weekends!

OKAY! So here is a bittersweet moment. I found out this Saturday that my grandmother is really really ill. My mom didn't know what was wrong with her, and she seemed a little worried while talking to her. She told me that she was going to take my grandmother to the doctor come Monday morning, just so we can find out what's going on. My mom told me that grammie wasn't eating and was too weak to move or do anything. Well, Monday comes and instead of taking my grammie to the doctor, my mom decides to take her to the hospitals ER. I found out yesterday that my grammie has cancer (in the lungs, liver, and adrenaline glands). Boy what a shocker.... I have spent the past 30 years with her and we have been through so much together. Especially with me wanting to transition and all... Not to mention, I just lost my grandfather this past January! We know for a fact that she will not make.... all we are really doing now is preparing ourselves and make sure that she is comfortable in every way possible. My mom said that she is trying to get her into a Hospice, that way they will assure that when she passes, it will be easy and comfortable on her.... That's the bitter part.

Here is the sweet part. I have been waiting all this weekend for today! Did you forget??? Today is the day that I go see Dr. Vicki Van Cleave to see what she says about me starting testosterone. Well.... to say the least. the visit went well. She will be my therapist for life unless I move out of state. But I am happy to say that she approved me, and will be writing my letter to start testosterone. She gave me the name and number to Dr. Allen Burris.... who he came highly recommended in the LGBT community. i set my appointment up with him, and I will be meeting with him come May 3rd at 1:00pm.  I am super excited about this visit only because this will be my new birthday (if he gives me the prescription). I will take my first shot on that day and then once every 2 weeks myself. I will see about doing half of my does for every week. I heard that there are highs (when you first get your shot) and then there are lows (about a day or two before you get your other one). I have heard that you get more energy and eat more for the first week and a half,, but then when you get close to taking your next shot, you are sluggish and irritable. I am hoping that doesn’t happen to me, but I’m sure that it will. Even though my grammie is dying (Lord bless her soul), I am happy that I am one step closer to beginning my journey while she is here on this earth….

04/01/2011

Everything is everything fam! Things are going alright with me. I am patiently awaiting my appoint this Tuesday which, if you can't already tell, I am excited about. I was texting one of my friends last night and I told him that I was feeling a little lonely.... like I am embarking on this journey alone (due to lack of support in my life), and he made me feel really better. He told me that sometimes you have to go through this journey alone. Which makes a lot of sense.... being that I know what is going on through my head and how I feel, I guess there is nothing wrong with embarking on such a quest by myself. Hopefully after this visit (therapist), I will get my letter to go see an endocrinologist. An endocrinologist is a specially trained doctor. Endocrinologists diagnose diseases that affect your glands. They know how to treat conditions that are often complex and involve many systems within your body. There is only one here in Richmond that will treat trans individuals and I heard he is hard to get an appointment with. His name is Dr. Burris and he comes highly recommended by some of my friends. They say he is good with following up with you to make sure your levels are balanced and that you aren't having any complications with the horomone replacement therapy. There are specific guidelines in the WPATH/Harry Benjamin Standards of Care(http://www.wpath.org/publications_standards.cfm) as to what is recommended to be in therapist’s letters. I did my research about the WPATH/Harry Benjamin Standards of Care and read through it carefully.... just so I know more detail about the process. I do not want to go into this blindly, so this requires a lot of reading and follow up. I ended up going onto a website of a transman and it was quite informative (http://www.ftmtransition.com/index.html). Check it out if you have a chance. Well, this will be quite an interesting weekend, and I know I will make sure to update after my doctor's visit on Tuesday. Hopefully, it will be my 'birthday'!

03/30/2011

Nothing much has taken place since the last time I've posted here, other than I have a lot more supporters now! I have actually been called sir quit often since I have been wearing my binder everyday. Even some of my co-workers call me by my new name and using the male pronouns. Brandi has even started to use the male pronouns and using my new name as well.


I found out that my manager is trying to set up my start date (using the men's restroom, co-workers calling me by my new name), which entails an educational class to inform the my peers of my process. To break it all down, they will say, this is what is happening, this is why it's happening, we don't care how YOU feel, don't discriminate. LOL! I will be a part of it as well, just in case they have any questions for me. I know that this is a big change for all of them, and it will be difficult for them to adjust, but this is what I want, and this is what will make me happy.


Once I get on testosterone, I will start making videos so you can see the transformation day by day, month, by month. Especially when I'm on 'T', I will be updating this daily just so you all will know the affects (mentally, mentally, emotionally)... I know a lot of people say that it will make you more aggressive or you'll get a lot of energry... trust me, if I go through it, YOU WILL KNOW IT! Of course the affects of testosterone differ form person to person, and you will have a front row seat into this through my journey.


Make sure you leave comments and if you have any questions.... please feel free to ask me!

03/28/2011

Good Afternoon,

I have 1 week until my therapy visit and I am hoping I will get my letter to start taking testosterone then. I actually got an invitation to be a part of a documentary to educate those about the transitioning process. I am truly excited about this venture and I am hoping that my journey will be to some service to other individuals in my shoes. There is a lot of information on the web now, especially when it comes to FTM transition. I find it that a lot of people do not understand the state of mind of a person when they make a decision like this. It's not that I'm a lesbian or I just happen to like women and in order for me to feel comfortable about that I have to change my sex. No! It's about my mental state of mind.... when I look in the mirror, I'm disgusted or I do not like what I see. It's the fact that I use to pray every night for God to put me in the body that I am suppose to be in. I have actually had quite a few people to say hey.... I support you! How can I make this more comfortable for you? What should I call you now out of respect? I love it! My cousin, who has been a number 1 supporter since day one, has actually kept me sane thus far! She is always giving me new ideas and has actually inspired me to make this known.... so I can educate others.

I have been wearing my binder all day and I am loving the feeling it gives me. I am comfortable, I can breath.... it's great! I wish that it could push things down a little more, but just the fact that I'm wearing it is a start. I went to the store last night and the clerk actually said sir! I was so pleased by this!!!! And I then went to another store where they called me ma'am.... which I then turned and corrected them. They did give me a funny look and proceed to assist me. But this is who I am, and I need to make it known that this is what I prefer to be called. Because I haven't set a start date for my job, they are still not required to call me my male name, use male pronouns, and me requiring to go to the men's restroom (which I can't wait for the day)! I will at least wait until after my therapy session and then take it from there. I go to the men's restroom in public and all (generally there is no problem there), but at work it's a different story (because of all of the HR concerns). The men's restroom is a lot different from females restroom. Men don't socialize in the bathroom like women do. We are about our business.... we are in, and we are out. You might get a slight nod here or there, but you won't get the 'oh how are you doing' conversation. They differ in smell as well..... I find that a lot of women are conservative about the use of a restroom, where us men.... we use it for what it's for! Now granted, our restroom doesn't smell as nice as a woman's, but at least I'm not at dinner with knots in my stomach either trying to hold something in!

03/27/2011

Well well well... it has been a long time since I have WRITTEN in my journal. Only because I wanted to create a blog. It is easier for me to type rather than write in a book. Okay... to update you very quickly. I ended up getting a binder from www.underworks.com. They are an FTM friendly company that carries a lot of binders, etc. The first one I got was the Tri-Top Chest Binder.... it did what it was suppose to do but boy does that thing roll up! It got to be uncomfortable and cutting into me really bad. I tried to wear it everyday but it was just unbearable. Because I am heavy chested (38 G to be exact), it did not go over well. I thought maybe I needed a larger size, but I knew that wasn't going to help with the rolling. So I ended up getting another one which is the Ultimate Chest Binder Tank. This is a lot longer and I am able to tuck it into my pants, which reduces the rolling action. Because it is so tight, i have to wear a thin t-shirt under it so it will not cut into my skin. The compression is great.... I can breath, but once again because I am so large chested, to me it looks funny. My sister said it looked like I was just buff in the chest and told me it looked fine. Of course if it doesn't look right to the person that's wearing it, it seems like it's not getting the job done. It will do for now until I start taking the testosterone and my top surgery (within a year or so after the testosterone replacement therapy). I have been using a website called www.ftmguide.org with has a lot of resources to help me with my questions on transitioning. I found out about lifters too... which you put them into your shoes to make you appear taller. Considering I do not want to be a 5'3 strapping young man... I decided that i would invest into some. There is a lot of talk how testosterone will make you grow and that is not true. It will if you are beginning puberty, but because I am long past that stage in my life, the only thing that will grow would be my hands and my feet (which are already big). I see the difference when I put the lifters into my shoes... It doesn't have me walking funny or anything and the height difference is great (even if it's only an inch)! I ordered them from a company called Levitator Lifts (http://www.talleryou.com/). I found out that my insurance will cover my hormone replacement therapy, doctor visits, STD when I am out after any surgery where I am paid to be out, my therapy, and any lab cost. The only thing I am not covered for is my gender reassignment surgeries... which by the way, my company is working on making it available by next year!!! That is a blessing within itself!!! That surgery can cost between 5000-10000 dollars! So if my insurance can cover a portion of it, that will be amazing! i guess I have another year at the job huh? I have a week until my initial appointment to see the therapist, and hopefully I will get my letter to start taking testosterone. I have decided with a name.... Byron Sebastian Salter. I didn't want to stray too far from my real name.... just out of comfort level. I have included a picture of me with my binder on.... it's not what I want, but it will have to do for right now....

Front View

Side View

Tri-Top Chest Binder

(this one caused a lot of problems while wearing. It rolls up a lot)

Ultimate Chest Binder Tank

(this is the one I currently have now. I can tuck it into my pants and it doesn't roll as much)

03/16/2011

So.... nothing new. Just waiting for my appointments and continuing my FTM research whether it's binding, packing, pumping, testosterone, etc... I'm looking it up. With my appointments being scattered, I'll have time to get the nerve up to tell my parents and the rest of my family. My twin sister is aware of what I'm doing and she supports me 110%!!! It's not that my parents see me often because they live in Atlanta and I'm here in Richmond, but I don't want to pop up looking like a man either and they all pass out!

03/14/2011

It's been a while huh? Well I went to the counselor on Friday, and it was not what I expected. It went okay but she can not provide me with my letter to start taking T (testosterone). Shane put me up with his therapist and he said that she gave him his letter on the first visit. I'm a little discouraged today. Brandi said something last night that was a little hurtful, that I am now questioning my process. She comes into the bedroom at almost 2 in the morning and we get into a slight argument. She stated to me that because I was so fussy that 'she doesn't know how or why I am doing this (my transition)'. Which in my mind should not have even been mentioned. I can see that I will be going through this myself. So I shouldn't transition into something that deep down inside I know that i am because I'm complaining that it's 2 in the morning and you're waking me up? I feel as though that the one closest to me right now doesn't support me at all and it kinda hurts knowing that I will probably be going through this all by myself. I have been researching list of therapist that associate with gender identity disorder so I can get my okay to start testosterone. I set up an appointment with Shane's therapist Dr. Vicki Van Cleave in Richmond, VA on April 5th. I need to get a calender so I can start writing down all of my appointments instead of this thick notebook.

03/10/2011

Tomorrow is the big day. I joined more yahoo groups last night. I need to find out whether or not my insurance will cover any of my medical expenses and figure out what I will be coming out of pocket with. I called to confirm my appointment and it felt good. I'm nervous as all hell now! It has all of a sudden became real to me this very moment. I have been looking up transmen greek fraternities I can join. I know that Tayden is formulating one but I really don't want to be affiliated with my old LGBT org. I was going to tell the rest of my co-workers about my transition just to see what their reactions were going to be. I'm going to wait until my appointment with my therapist and see what she has to say about it. I know that they would have to call me by the male pronouns and would have to start using my male name, once I come up with one. I emailed Tayden to inform him of what has been going on. I let him know about both appointments with my HR department and my therapist. I also told him about the support group I recently joined and my new friends. The next big step is telling my mom about everything. I know she is not going to be happy. I meet with Elizabeth Christian in Colonial Heights tomorrow... so wish me luck!

03/09/2011

Last night was a really good night. Even though I had to circle around about 3 times in order to find the building, there was a lot of participation. I met one transman named Shane. He's an African American, 32 years old, and has been on T (testosterone) for a whole year now. There was another one named Ki and he's 48 years old. They were all so nice though. There was another one named Alex who is a big trans advocate. Never would I have thought he was once a she. I meet with my job's (I will not disclose my employment) HR department on Friday morning to see what kind of accommodations they will have for me. I am truly excited about that meeting as well as my first session. The support group last night gave me more confidence and assurance that i am doing the right thing. I am looking forward to begin my journey. I need to get a new email address that will reflect my new name and start using it. I guess I have to start telling my friends to call me by my new name and all... it's going to be an adjustment for everyone. I've been thinking about a middle name as well. I don't even know if I'm going to stick with Sebastian. It is a powerful name... but its also the name of the crab in the Little Mermaid movie. What about D'Anthony? Brian? Byron? I still like Sebastian.

03/08/2011

I started to join a lot of FTM yahoo groups and they all have accepted me. i'm assuming it's a good thing. I have grown more frustrated with work and I don't know how that is going to play out with me when I start to take testosterone and all. I'm excited about talking to someone from my job's HR department to see what I need to do to start my process. The people around me need to start calling me him, he, his, etc... I haven't choiosen a new name yet, but the search continues. My grandmother told my sister to tell me that she no longer agrees with my decision. This hurt me to no end considering she gave me her approval about 2 days ago. i feel as though she should have been straight up and honest with me therefore the inital conversation that we had could have gone a little differently. maybe I can share that in my support meeting tonight. Brandi (my ex) told me that I should call her after my meeting and talk to her. I'm battling with is this worth losing people that i love?

Day 1

03/07/2011- this is the date I put into my handwritten journal

I spoke with a mutual friend of Brandi (my ex) and I, who is a transman. He gave me a lot of information to look at. Still a little nervous about telling my parents, but all in all I am confident that with time, they will be okay. I did in fact contact our HR department to figure out what needs to be done as far as me using the men's restroom. I have been looking for binders as well to compress my chest... interesting is all I can say. I am really excited about what all is going to happen within the next few months. I will make sure to document all that I can so I can follow my progress as well as others. I have been trying to figure out what my name should be.... I like Sebastian but I will look into other options.