04/16/2011

Well, I have been wearing my binder everyday now. I am getting use to it, but like I stated before, it's really not giving me the results that I want. I figured out that if I double bind, it does look better. So I am going to have to end up getting another binder. I was going to get one for the 'just in case' moments, but I see that I need it for other reasons. The one that I have now seems to be pushing everything together instead of pushing everything down.

I was suppose to hang out with Shane tonight, but it ended up storming and plus I still have so much to do before I head out to Atlanta for the funeral. I know he had a house full and they were all playing cards and drinking and smoking... trust me, with the day that I have had, I really needed to get away. But I want to make sure that I get enough sleep for tomorrow's journey. I ended up speaking to my mother this morning and she asked me did my sister tell her what she said. I was like ummm... what are you talking about? She stated that at the funeral she just want me to look like a nice young lady... now she has no idea that I am going through this transition as of right now, but we ended up getting in kind of a heated debate. She wants me to wear women's clothing and I told her I couldn't do that. That I would not disrespect my grandmother by going to the funeral in just anything, but it just won't look right for me to wear women's clothing. She kept begging and begging, and I didn't give in. I told her that I cannot conform to what she wants me to be just because of her insecurities and her focus being on family image. I am not going to be uncomfortable because she doesn't want to be ashamed of me. I wonder how all of this is going to blow over when I tell her that I am a man. I did tell her that right now is not the time to argue about this, at all! Then I was on the phone with my sister and she's going to pull up a Bible Scripture and was reading it to her... which of course boiled my blood. I was so offended by it, I started telling my twin how I felt. And she agreed with everything that I said was like, I never thought of it like that. Why would I make myself uncomfortable and conform into what you really WANT me to be and I am simply not that.

Well, I am off to bed now because I have to get up early to make this trip.... I will come back through soon....