Nothing much has taken place since the last time I've posted here, other than I have a lot more supporters now! I have actually been called sir quit often since I have been wearing my binder everyday. Even some of my co-workers call me by my new name and using the male pronouns. Brandi has even started to use the male pronouns and using my new name as well.
I found out that my manager is trying to set up my start date (using the men's restroom, co-workers calling me by my new name), which entails an educational class to inform the my peers of my process. To break it all down, they will say, this is what is happening, this is why it's happening, we don't care how YOU feel, don't discriminate. LOL! I will be a part of it as well, just in case they have any questions for me. I know that this is a big change for all of them, and it will be difficult for them to adjust, but this is what I want, and this is what will make me happy.
Once I get on testosterone, I will start making videos so you can see the transformation day by day, month, by month. Especially when I'm on 'T', I will be updating this daily just so you all will know the affects (mentally, mentally, emotionally)... I know a lot of people say that it will make you more aggressive or you'll get a lot of energry... trust me, if I go through it, YOU WILL KNOW IT! Of course the affects of testosterone differ form person to person, and you will have a front row seat into this through my journey.
Make sure you leave comments and if you have any questions.... please feel free to ask me!
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Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
03/28/2011
Good Afternoon,
I have 1 week until my therapy visit and I am hoping I will get my letter to start taking testosterone then. I actually got an invitation to be a part of a documentary to educate those about the transitioning process. I am truly excited about this venture and I am hoping that my journey will be to some service to other individuals in my shoes. There is a lot of information on the web now, especially when it comes to FTM transition. I find it that a lot of people do not understand the state of mind of a person when they make a decision like this. It's not that I'm a lesbian or I just happen to like women and in order for me to feel comfortable about that I have to change my sex. No! It's about my mental state of mind.... when I look in the mirror, I'm disgusted or I do not like what I see. It's the fact that I use to pray every night for God to put me in the body that I am suppose to be in. I have actually had quite a few people to say hey.... I support you! How can I make this more comfortable for you? What should I call you now out of respect? I love it! My cousin, who has been a number 1 supporter since day one, has actually kept me sane thus far! She is always giving me new ideas and has actually inspired me to make this known.... so I can educate others.
I have been wearing my binder all day and I am loving the feeling it gives me. I am comfortable, I can breath.... it's great! I wish that it could push things down a little more, but just the fact that I'm wearing it is a start. I went to the store last night and the clerk actually said sir! I was so pleased by this!!!! And I then went to another store where they called me ma'am.... which I then turned and corrected them. They did give me a funny look and proceed to assist me. But this is who I am, and I need to make it known that this is what I prefer to be called. Because I haven't set a start date for my job, they are still not required to call me my male name, use male pronouns, and me requiring to go to the men's restroom (which I can't wait for the day)! I will at least wait until after my therapy session and then take it from there. I go to the men's restroom in public and all (generally there is no problem there), but at work it's a different story (because of all of the HR concerns). The men's restroom is a lot different from females restroom. Men don't socialize in the bathroom like women do. We are about our business.... we are in, and we are out. You might get a slight nod here or there, but you won't get the 'oh how are you doing' conversation. They differ in smell as well..... I find that a lot of women are conservative about the use of a restroom, where us men.... we use it for what it's for! Now granted, our restroom doesn't smell as nice as a woman's, but at least I'm not at dinner with knots in my stomach either trying to hold something in!
I have 1 week until my therapy visit and I am hoping I will get my letter to start taking testosterone then. I actually got an invitation to be a part of a documentary to educate those about the transitioning process. I am truly excited about this venture and I am hoping that my journey will be to some service to other individuals in my shoes. There is a lot of information on the web now, especially when it comes to FTM transition. I find it that a lot of people do not understand the state of mind of a person when they make a decision like this. It's not that I'm a lesbian or I just happen to like women and in order for me to feel comfortable about that I have to change my sex. No! It's about my mental state of mind.... when I look in the mirror, I'm disgusted or I do not like what I see. It's the fact that I use to pray every night for God to put me in the body that I am suppose to be in. I have actually had quite a few people to say hey.... I support you! How can I make this more comfortable for you? What should I call you now out of respect? I love it! My cousin, who has been a number 1 supporter since day one, has actually kept me sane thus far! She is always giving me new ideas and has actually inspired me to make this known.... so I can educate others.
I have been wearing my binder all day and I am loving the feeling it gives me. I am comfortable, I can breath.... it's great! I wish that it could push things down a little more, but just the fact that I'm wearing it is a start. I went to the store last night and the clerk actually said sir! I was so pleased by this!!!! And I then went to another store where they called me ma'am.... which I then turned and corrected them. They did give me a funny look and proceed to assist me. But this is who I am, and I need to make it known that this is what I prefer to be called. Because I haven't set a start date for my job, they are still not required to call me my male name, use male pronouns, and me requiring to go to the men's restroom (which I can't wait for the day)! I will at least wait until after my therapy session and then take it from there. I go to the men's restroom in public and all (generally there is no problem there), but at work it's a different story (because of all of the HR concerns). The men's restroom is a lot different from females restroom. Men don't socialize in the bathroom like women do. We are about our business.... we are in, and we are out. You might get a slight nod here or there, but you won't get the 'oh how are you doing' conversation. They differ in smell as well..... I find that a lot of women are conservative about the use of a restroom, where us men.... we use it for what it's for! Now granted, our restroom doesn't smell as nice as a woman's, but at least I'm not at dinner with knots in my stomach either trying to hold something in!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
03/27/2011
Well well well... it has been a long time since I have WRITTEN in my journal. Only because I wanted to create a blog. It is easier for me to type rather than write in a book. Okay... to update you very quickly. I ended up getting a binder from www.underworks.com. They are an FTM friendly company that carries a lot of binders, etc. The first one I got was the Tri-Top Chest Binder.... it did what it was suppose to do but boy does that thing roll up! It got to be uncomfortable and cutting into me really bad. I tried to wear it everyday but it was just unbearable. Because I am heavy chested (38 G to be exact), it did not go over well. I thought maybe I needed a larger size, but I knew that wasn't going to help with the rolling. So I ended up getting another one which is the Ultimate Chest Binder Tank. This is a lot longer and I am able to tuck it into my pants, which reduces the rolling action. Because it is so tight, i have to wear a thin t-shirt under it so it will not cut into my skin. The compression is great.... I can breath, but once again because I am so large chested, to me it looks funny. My sister said it looked like I was just buff in the chest and told me it looked fine. Of course if it doesn't look right to the person that's wearing it, it seems like it's not getting the job done. It will do for now until I start taking the testosterone and my top surgery (within a year or so after the testosterone replacement therapy). I have been using a website called www.ftmguide.org with has a lot of resources to help me with my questions on transitioning. I found out about lifters too... which you put them into your shoes to make you appear taller. Considering I do not want to be a 5'3 strapping young man... I decided that i would invest into some. There is a lot of talk how testosterone will make you grow and that is not true. It will if you are beginning puberty, but because I am long past that stage in my life, the only thing that will grow would be my hands and my feet (which are already big). I see the difference when I put the lifters into my shoes... It doesn't have me walking funny or anything and the height difference is great (even if it's only an inch)! I ordered them from a company called Levitator Lifts (http://www.talleryou.com/). I found out that my insurance will cover my hormone replacement therapy, doctor visits, STD when I am out after any surgery where I am paid to be out, my therapy, and any lab cost. The only thing I am not covered for is my gender reassignment surgeries... which by the way, my company is working on making it available by next year!!! That is a blessing within itself!!! That surgery can cost between 5000-10000 dollars! So if my insurance can cover a portion of it, that will be amazing! i guess I have another year at the job huh? I have a week until my initial appointment to see the therapist, and hopefully I will get my letter to start taking testosterone. I have decided with a name.... Byron Sebastian Salter. I didn't want to stray too far from my real name.... just out of comfort level. I have included a picture of me with my binder on.... it's not what I want, but it will have to do for right now....
Front View
Side View
Tri-Top Chest Binder
(this one caused a lot of problems while wearing. It rolls up a lot)
Ultimate Chest Binder Tank
(this is the one I currently have now. I can tuck it into my pants and it doesn't roll as much)
03/16/2011
So.... nothing new. Just waiting for my appointments and continuing my FTM research whether it's binding, packing, pumping, testosterone, etc... I'm looking it up. With my appointments being scattered, I'll have time to get the nerve up to tell my parents and the rest of my family. My twin sister is aware of what I'm doing and she supports me 110%!!! It's not that my parents see me often because they live in Atlanta and I'm here in Richmond, but I don't want to pop up looking like a man either and they all pass out!
03/14/2011
It's been a while huh? Well I went to the counselor on Friday, and it was not what I expected. It went okay but she can not provide me with my letter to start taking T (testosterone). Shane put me up with his therapist and he said that she gave him his letter on the first visit. I'm a little discouraged today. Brandi said something last night that was a little hurtful, that I am now questioning my process. She comes into the bedroom at almost 2 in the morning and we get into a slight argument. She stated to me that because I was so fussy that 'she doesn't know how or why I am doing this (my transition)'. Which in my mind should not have even been mentioned. I can see that I will be going through this myself. So I shouldn't transition into something that deep down inside I know that i am because I'm complaining that it's 2 in the morning and you're waking me up? I feel as though that the one closest to me right now doesn't support me at all and it kinda hurts knowing that I will probably be going through this all by myself. I have been researching list of therapist that associate with gender identity disorder so I can get my okay to start testosterone. I set up an appointment with Shane's therapist Dr. Vicki Van Cleave in Richmond, VA on April 5th. I need to get a calender so I can start writing down all of my appointments instead of this thick notebook.
03/10/2011
Tomorrow is the big day. I joined more yahoo groups last night. I need to find out whether or not my insurance will cover any of my medical expenses and figure out what I will be coming out of pocket with. I called to confirm my appointment and it felt good. I'm nervous as all hell now! It has all of a sudden became real to me this very moment. I have been looking up transmen greek fraternities I can join. I know that Tayden is formulating one but I really don't want to be affiliated with my old LGBT org. I was going to tell the rest of my co-workers about my transition just to see what their reactions were going to be. I'm going to wait until my appointment with my therapist and see what she has to say about it. I know that they would have to call me by the male pronouns and would have to start using my male name, once I come up with one. I emailed Tayden to inform him of what has been going on. I let him know about both appointments with my HR department and my therapist. I also told him about the support group I recently joined and my new friends. The next big step is telling my mom about everything. I know she is not going to be happy. I meet with Elizabeth Christian in Colonial Heights tomorrow... so wish me luck!
03/09/2011
Last night was a really good night. Even though I had to circle around about 3 times in order to find the building, there was a lot of participation. I met one transman named Shane. He's an African American, 32 years old, and has been on T (testosterone) for a whole year now. There was another one named Ki and he's 48 years old. They were all so nice though. There was another one named Alex who is a big trans advocate. Never would I have thought he was once a she. I meet with my job's (I will not disclose my employment) HR department on Friday morning to see what kind of accommodations they will have for me. I am truly excited about that meeting as well as my first session. The support group last night gave me more confidence and assurance that i am doing the right thing. I am looking forward to begin my journey. I need to get a new email address that will reflect my new name and start using it. I guess I have to start telling my friends to call me by my new name and all... it's going to be an adjustment for everyone. I've been thinking about a middle name as well. I don't even know if I'm going to stick with Sebastian. It is a powerful name... but its also the name of the crab in the Little Mermaid movie. What about D'Anthony? Brian? Byron? I still like Sebastian.
03/08/2011
I started to join a lot of FTM yahoo groups and they all have accepted me. i'm assuming it's a good thing. I have grown more frustrated with work and I don't know how that is going to play out with me when I start to take testosterone and all. I'm excited about talking to someone from my job's HR department to see what I need to do to start my process. The people around me need to start calling me him, he, his, etc... I haven't choiosen a new name yet, but the search continues. My grandmother told my sister to tell me that she no longer agrees with my decision. This hurt me to no end considering she gave me her approval about 2 days ago. i feel as though she should have been straight up and honest with me therefore the inital conversation that we had could have gone a little differently. maybe I can share that in my support meeting tonight. Brandi (my ex) told me that I should call her after my meeting and talk to her. I'm battling with is this worth losing people that i love?
Day 1
03/07/2011- this is the date I put into my handwritten journal
I spoke with a mutual friend of Brandi (my ex) and I, who is a transman. He gave me a lot of information to look at. Still a little nervous about telling my parents, but all in all I am confident that with time, they will be okay. I did in fact contact our HR department to figure out what needs to be done as far as me using the men's restroom. I have been looking for binders as well to compress my chest... interesting is all I can say. I am really excited about what all is going to happen within the next few months. I will make sure to document all that I can so I can follow my progress as well as others. I have been trying to figure out what my name should be.... I like Sebastian but I will look into other options.
I spoke with a mutual friend of Brandi (my ex) and I, who is a transman. He gave me a lot of information to look at. Still a little nervous about telling my parents, but all in all I am confident that with time, they will be okay. I did in fact contact our HR department to figure out what needs to be done as far as me using the men's restroom. I have been looking for binders as well to compress my chest... interesting is all I can say. I am really excited about what all is going to happen within the next few months. I will make sure to document all that I can so I can follow my progress as well as others. I have been trying to figure out what my name should be.... I like Sebastian but I will look into other options.
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