04/27/2011

What a day what a day! I have been successful at using the men's restroom at work, and still getting the strange looks. My co-worker has actually been concerned because he's like 'well what will happen if someone is really offended and decides to take matters into his own hands'? I thought he posed a very good question, so I am going to my HR rep to see if there is anything we could do to notify all associates on what is going on. I do not need any problems at work, and I don't want to have to fear of any kind of malice retaliation. Apparently I am the talk of the town at work. They have been asking questions to other people, but they have not come to me to see what is going on. Which is fine. I anticipated that this would happen, but it will not deter me from what I am trying to do.

On the other hand, my ex and I had a long talk last night about my transition. Everything seems to be fine right now because I'm not passing 100%. But I did ask her how she truly felt about my transition process and she said she didn't know. She was like I don't know if I am willing to be with you or not because of the transition, we just have to wait and see. WOW is what I thought. She also stated that she is thinking that I won't go through with it because of my parents. How I am easily able to conform to what they want me to do, so how am I going to take it if they say no I don't want you to be a man, you're my daughter! I told her that I am willing to let them go to make me happy. And it just totally changed my mood on everything. I don't want to say that I am second guessing what I'm doing, but to hear some of the things she was saying kind of hurt my feelings. It's like... do people think I want to run the risk of letting my family go knowing that this is something they will be totally against? Do you believe that I would run the risk of being embarrassed to my parents friends and knowing that they very well might be ashamed of me and shun me? It's not that i woke up out of the blue one morning and was like 'hey! Let me try this MAN thing out'. This took a lot of thought and courage for me to voice that this is what I want to do. I have been controlled all of my life, even through religion, I had to be something I was not. I did not have the freedom to express myself and be the person I know that I was intended to be. I know that this will probably hurt them, and I run the risk of them not wanting anything to do with me anymore, but I have lived my life to everyone else standards and not my own. No one knows the real me because the real me doesn't exist right now. I know that she probably has my best interest at heart, but that was something I did not need to hear at that very moment. If you are going to support me, do it 110%.... I know my parents better than anyone and I expect the worst and hope for the best when it comes to me bringing this to the table. I take my shot in a little over 2 weeks and I can't stop just for anyone. This is my life, and people have to realize that this is a decision that I have made... not for them, but for me. I am confident in what I know I want. I just wish the people who are closest to me realize that.