04/27/2011

What a day what a day! I have been successful at using the men's restroom at work, and still getting the strange looks. My co-worker has actually been concerned because he's like 'well what will happen if someone is really offended and decides to take matters into his own hands'? I thought he posed a very good question, so I am going to my HR rep to see if there is anything we could do to notify all associates on what is going on. I do not need any problems at work, and I don't want to have to fear of any kind of malice retaliation. Apparently I am the talk of the town at work. They have been asking questions to other people, but they have not come to me to see what is going on. Which is fine. I anticipated that this would happen, but it will not deter me from what I am trying to do.

On the other hand, my ex and I had a long talk last night about my transition. Everything seems to be fine right now because I'm not passing 100%. But I did ask her how she truly felt about my transition process and she said she didn't know. She was like I don't know if I am willing to be with you or not because of the transition, we just have to wait and see. WOW is what I thought. She also stated that she is thinking that I won't go through with it because of my parents. How I am easily able to conform to what they want me to do, so how am I going to take it if they say no I don't want you to be a man, you're my daughter! I told her that I am willing to let them go to make me happy. And it just totally changed my mood on everything. I don't want to say that I am second guessing what I'm doing, but to hear some of the things she was saying kind of hurt my feelings. It's like... do people think I want to run the risk of letting my family go knowing that this is something they will be totally against? Do you believe that I would run the risk of being embarrassed to my parents friends and knowing that they very well might be ashamed of me and shun me? It's not that i woke up out of the blue one morning and was like 'hey! Let me try this MAN thing out'. This took a lot of thought and courage for me to voice that this is what I want to do. I have been controlled all of my life, even through religion, I had to be something I was not. I did not have the freedom to express myself and be the person I know that I was intended to be. I know that this will probably hurt them, and I run the risk of them not wanting anything to do with me anymore, but I have lived my life to everyone else standards and not my own. No one knows the real me because the real me doesn't exist right now. I know that she probably has my best interest at heart, but that was something I did not need to hear at that very moment. If you are going to support me, do it 110%.... I know my parents better than anyone and I expect the worst and hope for the best when it comes to me bringing this to the table. I take my shot in a little over 2 weeks and I can't stop just for anyone. This is my life, and people have to realize that this is a decision that I have made... not for them, but for me. I am confident in what I know I want. I just wish the people who are closest to me realize that.

04/26/2011

Well, I must say that it has become more comfortable for me to start using the men's restroom at my job now. I don't get the stares like I did yesterday. I guess they are getting use to it! LOL. Everyone has been asking me how was my first day using the new name at work and all, and I love it. My co-workers are really good about using my name and using the male pronouns. They all want to know how the men's restroom differ from the females, and I tell them "I don't know, but what I do know is that I am more comfortable in there than I am in a woman's bathroom". LOL. What I need to do now is get some time together and the money up to go ahead and get my named changed. That way, it can reflect on my name badge and my email and everything. This means that I am going to have to call all of my credit cards and banks to have it changed over. I am also going to have to go the the Social Security office to get it changed over, and then I can go to the DMV and get my license changed to the new name. I can't get the 'M' for sex changed until I go through the entire process.... which entails the top surgery that I am so ready to get.

I have been showered with love and support since I voiced that this is something that I wanted to do. I really can't thank people enough for all of their kind words. Like stated prior, I really just want my parents to be okay with this. I know that they won't but I am hoping that they will come to grips that this is something that has been on my heart since I was young. My whole life, I have been trying to please them and make them happy, as far as my religion is concerned. I have been manipulated, 'guiltified', and coerced into thinking that being me is something so terrible. I had to be something that they were proud of (trophy wise). I had to be the little dressed up dolled up little woman, who is suppose to marry a man, have children, and suppress any and all things that was considered abnormal (to them). To me, that was a far fetched idea. I want to get married, and have children, but I want to marry the woman of my dreams and be the MAN that she has waited for. Living in a guilty household and being afraid to express who you are and your true feelings has hindered me in such a way, all I wanted was acceptance from them. I know that they will love me no matter what, but I know that they will be ashamed to be around me in front of other family members and even their friends. I just want to be who I really am around them. I am not a shameful person.... I stand firm in what I believe in and what I want to do with my life... and that's just it. It is my life and not theirs.

04/25/2011

I have arrived!!!! I just used the men's restroom at my job... no one said anything while I was in there. But one of my co-workers kinda clapped (applauded) me in and was all smiles. I went in, handled my business, and walked out. Of course, there were two ladies walking down the hall as I was exiting the restroom. I went into the room my co-worker was in and I said 'the best'! LOL. She clapped and so did the other lady in the room. When I exited out, I saw the 2 ladies chatting it up with the guy I was in the restroom with. HA! All I did was look at them and laugh... I have finally arrived. It was kind of nerve racking just for the simple fact I am at work, and a lot of them have not seen me this way. Any other time I am cool, but being on your job for over a year.... they know who you are. I wish they would have had one big session, that way, I won't have to keep explaining it to everyone and get the strange looks and all. I know that this will take some getting use to. Especially for those that don't know and that don't understand. I am looking forward to this!!! I felt like I was in the right place.... it seemed so natural to me.... it made me feel at ease and everything.... I know that the look and the stares won't stop anytime soon... but BYRON is finally here!

04/22/2011

Well well well..... I had my meeting with my co-workers and peers at work about my transition and I must say that it went better than I thought it would be. My manager was there along with our HR department's rep. Everything went so well. We first introduced ourselves and then went right into the training. I only had the people that I am close to and work with on a regular basis in the meeting. They will moreso be my advocate during my process. I know that a lot of people will be questioning my actions (i.e. going into the men's restroom, over hearing smoeone call me 'he' or by my new name), and that's what they were in there for. Just in case other's have questions about what is going on. Because I had my old team in the meeting, I will now have to set up something for my new team (I am moving up the corporate ladder). But my co-workers all seemed so supportive and had a lot of questions for me. It was very interesting. Because a lot of them are unfamiliar with the process and with the transition itself, they had a lot of good questions, from health concerns down to the actual process itself. They are moreso concerned about how to address me and what will happen if they slip up. They are so afraid of disrespecting me, but I am glad they through everything out on the table. I was just like an open book; if you're bold enough to ask it, I am bold enough to answer it. I walked them through the entire process from my therapy sessions, my hormone replacement therapy, to my surgeries and anything else I could have thought of. I was so grateful that the HR rep was there, because she took lead of the group and anything I was unable to answer, she came and chimed right on in. I think that it went really well and that they fully understood that this is not a choice, but this is my life. I basically took them through my mental struggle and how I have been battling with this for some time now. I wanted to give them a mental picture of how I was feeling and what I am thinking. It takes a lot to open up about something so personal.

Now the only other hurdle is telling my parents. A question was brought up about how my family feels about it and that got me to thinking, I need to tell them before my first T shot. I was thinking about writing a letter and sending it to my mom so I won't have to explain anything to her face to face. I think I owe her that much to at least let her know other than just pooping up with the deep voice and the facial hair. I know that she is not going to take too kindly of it, but I need to ask her for understanding. I know that it is not going to happen over night, but I need to give her some time to process this in her head. This is the only thing that I nervous about. I need some advice about this. I know that Shane has gone through the same thing that I have with religious parents and all.... He has been a true force in my life already and has guided me in everything that I needed. This is will be the hardest part for me, but I will in fact write my mother a letter tonight and mail it off by the first of the month. Everything is still too fresh with my grandmother's death and all.... so I want to give her some time to heal from that.

04/21/2011

It is finally over. She is gone and I am okay. Of course I have my moments, but it is hard to know that my major support is gone. She will be missed greatly, and I hope she realized and know how much I loved her before she left Earth.

On a much lighter note, my meeting with my peers is tomorrow. I am excited to let them know about my journey and what all will be done. I need to get on the ball and get my name change paperwork in order, and turn that in. I will not have them start calling me by my new name, which by the way I do have a nickname (Sean), until Monday so they can take it all in and we start a new week. I am leaving my current team to go to a different department. It is all good, but now I have to let them know what I am doing. I need to call Dr. Van Cleave and let her know when my appointment for Dr. Burris is so she can have my letter prepared.

OK, my ex came up with Sean because she likes the name. She wanted my name to be Sean Bastian Salter... which sounds wonderful. That name does go hard.... but, I am sticking with Byron Sebastian because that is what I want to go by. I choose to keep Sean though just in case. If you take the first two letters of my middle name and the last two letters, it does come up to Sean. It makes it a lot easier to say verse Sebastian. LOL. So if people prefer to call me Sean, I will answer to that as well.

I have been getting a lot of emails on Facebook about my transition. A lot of love and support on there too! There are saying how brave I am and how they love reading my blogs, which makes me feel so good. I want to put my journey out there for others so they can understand. There are a lot of resources out there for transitioning from female to male, but it's nothing like have personal experiences to learn from. I am all about educating others about the process. It seems like transmen are the black sheep of the LGBT community. It's easier to accept a transwoman, but people don't realize that transmen actually exist. I want to change that, and hopefully I will be able to.

Here is my Grammie. Everything I do is dedicated to her!

04/16/2011

Well, I have been wearing my binder everyday now. I am getting use to it, but like I stated before, it's really not giving me the results that I want. I figured out that if I double bind, it does look better. So I am going to have to end up getting another binder. I was going to get one for the 'just in case' moments, but I see that I need it for other reasons. The one that I have now seems to be pushing everything together instead of pushing everything down.

I was suppose to hang out with Shane tonight, but it ended up storming and plus I still have so much to do before I head out to Atlanta for the funeral. I know he had a house full and they were all playing cards and drinking and smoking... trust me, with the day that I have had, I really needed to get away. But I want to make sure that I get enough sleep for tomorrow's journey. I ended up speaking to my mother this morning and she asked me did my sister tell her what she said. I was like ummm... what are you talking about? She stated that at the funeral she just want me to look like a nice young lady... now she has no idea that I am going through this transition as of right now, but we ended up getting in kind of a heated debate. She wants me to wear women's clothing and I told her I couldn't do that. That I would not disrespect my grandmother by going to the funeral in just anything, but it just won't look right for me to wear women's clothing. She kept begging and begging, and I didn't give in. I told her that I cannot conform to what she wants me to be just because of her insecurities and her focus being on family image. I am not going to be uncomfortable because she doesn't want to be ashamed of me. I wonder how all of this is going to blow over when I tell her that I am a man. I did tell her that right now is not the time to argue about this, at all! Then I was on the phone with my sister and she's going to pull up a Bible Scripture and was reading it to her... which of course boiled my blood. I was so offended by it, I started telling my twin how I felt. And she agreed with everything that I said was like, I never thought of it like that. Why would I make myself uncomfortable and conform into what you really WANT me to be and I am simply not that.

Well, I am off to bed now because I have to get up early to make this trip.... I will come back through soon....

04/15/2011- Dedication to my Grammie

This week has been a rough week for me. I went to see my grammie last weekend.... something was telling me to go down there. Of course, we never know how long a person will last especially when sick, so I made the trip down. I am glad that I gotten the chance to spend some time with her. She passed away yesterday (4/14), which was also my mom's birthday. Of course this day will never be the same. I am not expecting to do good with the 'first'... the first Thanksgiving and Christmas without her, Mother's Day, her birthday.... I am not looking forward to what I will feel like. Her funeral is this coming Tuesday, which I know I will have a hard time with. My mother made the comment of getting something to wear so I could look nice... I told her I work for XXXXXXX, I have to wear nice clothes. LOL. My sister then called me back and was like 'no.... she doesn't want you to look like a boy at the funeral'. It boggled me because my grammie loved me just the way that I was.... and everyone else knows how I dress, why is she so ashamed? Now I'm like.... boy she's really gonna flip when she finds out I'm transitioning!!! But like I will tell her, at least this way, I won't have to shame you in front of your friends for dressing like a boy, because now I am. Good comeback? I think so, but I know it will get my ass kicked too. But I am preparing myself to get my ultimate tattoo... my grammie's face with her birthdate and death date... almost like a mural. It will be on my back.... I wish I can put it somewhere where everyone could see it, but I don't agree with putting tattoos on my forearms or my legs because I want to be a police officer one day (believe it or not, they do look at that). Even though I know she didn't fully agree with my transition, I know that all she wanted for me was for me to be happy, and she supported that aspect of it. So here's to you grammie.... I love you, and you will be missed greatly. R.I.P. Mamie Ruth Bryant

04/12/2011

It has been a long weekend. I went to Atlanta to see my grammie and she did not look good to me. Of course my sister and mom said she looks better than what she did earlier last week. But she could hardly talk or eat anything. When she saw me, she did smile and she talks with her eyes and facial expressions. It was really good seeing her. My mom cried when I left though.... which broke my heart. My mother never cried because I was going back to VA. So it got me to thinking about asking my manager to work from home in Atlanta.... we'll see how that flies by. I at least want to be there to help them when she does come home from the hospice.

On another note... I am still waiting on my appointment to come. It was rescheduled for May 17th instead of the 3rd. I was a little upset about it, but it just gave me more time to let my mom know what I plan on doing. I was thinking about writing and sending her a letter so it will give her some time to read it, relate to it, and then respond. I was going to tell her this weekend, but I figured with everything that is going on, it would have been too much for her. When I was there this past weekend, I did meet up with a friend of mine at church (a church my sister attends). I found out that he actually went through the transition as well.... and I have been knowning him for years. He looks so wonderful, but of course I just remebered what he looked like as a female. But he looks really nice though.... he said he was on T for a year and 4 months. I can't wait to take my first shot (which I am not looking forward to really.... I hate shots!). But that's all thats been going on.... other than personal things with Brandi and all which I will not get into.... HAHAHA!

04/07/2011

I just spoke to my manager about the meetings that are scheduled to educate my job with what is going on. The first meeting is next Thursday, the 14th for the managers. It is more a diversity training session.... they won't disclose who will be transitioning, but just to cover some ground just in case someone comes to them and says 'hey I just saw such and such enter the men's bathroom'. They will be equiped to handle all of those concerns on their own before it blows up and goes to HR. The next meeting which will be out peer/agent meeting.... this is the one that I will be able to sit in and answer any questions my peers may have. I have to come up with a list of individuals that I want to attend and that will be an advocate on my behalf with their co-workers. Pretty much covering double ground. I am confident that I will not have any troubles with transitioning here at work....

So Brandi and I were having a disagreement about what my name should be. She says that Byron seems too nerdy and suggested that I go with Bandaid (I think she was just playing but knowing her.... I doubt it. LOL). And we started to go through names of what I like and what I don't like and she came up with Bryant (which I like).... this is my grammies last name and I don't know how to feel taking that on as my first. I would love to chance my last name to Bryant just to honor her.... so when I get married and have kids... the legacy will live on. But I told Brandi that I was pretty much stuck on Byron Sebastian Salter (Bastian for those who like Sebastian but chooses not to say the whole thing). I was even thinking about getting a second missle name but that's just too much. A lot of people say they don't see me as a Byron, but moreso with an artsy name like Miles or something like that. LOL. I am an artsy person so I see where that would come from.... My name will be something that will stick with me for the rest of my life.... so it has to be something I can live with, answer to, and look good on a resume....

I will be leaving for Atlanta either tonight or early tomorrow morning to see my grammie. I spoke with ym twin and she said that she seems much better in the hospice now. They keep her comfortable and drugged up so she doesn't feel any pain (which is what I am most concerned about). I just pray that whenever God takes her home, that she will no longer be in pain and she will be happier than a bee in a flower bed.....

04/06/2011

Well.... I got approved to take some time off to go see my grammie this weekend. I just wanted to spend some time with her before she passes, just to let her know that I care. We all know that she doesn't have long and as long as she is comfortable, that is really all that matters to me. I had a lot on my shoulders with her and my transition. Like stated in a previous post, at one moment she agreed and supported me all for her to say that wait until she is dead before I do it. I was wondering was this punishment for me even wanting to transition, or was this God's way of saying 'hey... this is what you plan on doing and this is my way of allowing you to do it without disrespecting your grammie'. I was battling with it all weekend when I found out she was ill. I still don't know how to take it.... does this mean I will slow down my process.... I don't think so. But it did give me a new outlook on life in general. Life is way too short to be unhappy and stressed out, and typically that is all she has been since I have known her. Down to my grandfather to what we (my twin and I) did on a day to day basis.

On another note. I received an email from the HR department today saying that they have scheduled the management training group for when I transition over. I will not be at this meeting considering it for the management team on how to handle the situation and relay the info to the other agents. And then soon after, they will be composing another meeting for my peers and the other agents that I will be attending. My therapist said that she will draw up some papers for me that I will be able to carry around just in case there is an issue at work or in public with me using the men's restroom. She said it will state what I am doing along with all of her contact information. Which is a big help to me because the last thing that I want is any issues while I'm transitioning.

I actually printed out the paperwork to complete the name change. Even though I LOVE Byron Sebastian.... some people are giving me some flack about it. LOL. They are saying they don't see me as a Byron or that it sounds like a nerdy name. I don't understand it, but as long as it looks good on a resume, I am good. Brandi came up with Treyvon Sebastian, which goes hard too.... but Byron has kinda stuck with me, and Lord knows that I am keeping Sebastian as my middle name. I was thinking about having 2 middle names. But it seems like the one that I have choosen already is a mouthful to say. LOL. This is what I will be called for the rest of my life, so it is something that I will really have to think about and consider. I don't want it to be too far from my real name as is... but I want to leave my birth name in the past because that's where it belongs.... this is a new life I am creating and I want to start fresh and brand new.

S/N: I will have to tell my parents soon about what I am going through. Because I will be taking my first testosterone shot in May, the changes will come and I don't want to wait to late to tell them. With my grammie and all, I don't want to put anything else on them that will have them stressed and depressed. But I know I need to tell them before I go to my appointment in May.... I wish I had some kind of idea on how to lay it down to them with them being so hurt about it. Well.... hope for the best and expect the worse I guess.....

UPDATE: They have changed my appointment from May the 3rd to May the 17th.... it is a two week difference.....

04/05/2011

It has truly been one of those weekends!

OKAY! So here is a bittersweet moment. I found out this Saturday that my grandmother is really really ill. My mom didn't know what was wrong with her, and she seemed a little worried while talking to her. She told me that she was going to take my grandmother to the doctor come Monday morning, just so we can find out what's going on. My mom told me that grammie wasn't eating and was too weak to move or do anything. Well, Monday comes and instead of taking my grammie to the doctor, my mom decides to take her to the hospitals ER. I found out yesterday that my grammie has cancer (in the lungs, liver, and adrenaline glands). Boy what a shocker.... I have spent the past 30 years with her and we have been through so much together. Especially with me wanting to transition and all... Not to mention, I just lost my grandfather this past January! We know for a fact that she will not make.... all we are really doing now is preparing ourselves and make sure that she is comfortable in every way possible. My mom said that she is trying to get her into a Hospice, that way they will assure that when she passes, it will be easy and comfortable on her.... That's the bitter part.

Here is the sweet part. I have been waiting all this weekend for today! Did you forget??? Today is the day that I go see Dr. Vicki Van Cleave to see what she says about me starting testosterone. Well.... to say the least. the visit went well. She will be my therapist for life unless I move out of state. But I am happy to say that she approved me, and will be writing my letter to start testosterone. She gave me the name and number to Dr. Allen Burris.... who he came highly recommended in the LGBT community. i set my appointment up with him, and I will be meeting with him come May 3rd at 1:00pm.  I am super excited about this visit only because this will be my new birthday (if he gives me the prescription). I will take my first shot on that day and then once every 2 weeks myself. I will see about doing half of my does for every week. I heard that there are highs (when you first get your shot) and then there are lows (about a day or two before you get your other one). I have heard that you get more energy and eat more for the first week and a half,, but then when you get close to taking your next shot, you are sluggish and irritable. I am hoping that doesn’t happen to me, but I’m sure that it will. Even though my grammie is dying (Lord bless her soul), I am happy that I am one step closer to beginning my journey while she is here on this earth….

04/01/2011

Everything is everything fam! Things are going alright with me. I am patiently awaiting my appoint this Tuesday which, if you can't already tell, I am excited about. I was texting one of my friends last night and I told him that I was feeling a little lonely.... like I am embarking on this journey alone (due to lack of support in my life), and he made me feel really better. He told me that sometimes you have to go through this journey alone. Which makes a lot of sense.... being that I know what is going on through my head and how I feel, I guess there is nothing wrong with embarking on such a quest by myself. Hopefully after this visit (therapist), I will get my letter to go see an endocrinologist. An endocrinologist is a specially trained doctor. Endocrinologists diagnose diseases that affect your glands. They know how to treat conditions that are often complex and involve many systems within your body. There is only one here in Richmond that will treat trans individuals and I heard he is hard to get an appointment with. His name is Dr. Burris and he comes highly recommended by some of my friends. They say he is good with following up with you to make sure your levels are balanced and that you aren't having any complications with the horomone replacement therapy. There are specific guidelines in the WPATH/Harry Benjamin Standards of Care(http://www.wpath.org/publications_standards.cfm) as to what is recommended to be in therapist’s letters. I did my research about the WPATH/Harry Benjamin Standards of Care and read through it carefully.... just so I know more detail about the process. I do not want to go into this blindly, so this requires a lot of reading and follow up. I ended up going onto a website of a transman and it was quite informative (http://www.ftmtransition.com/index.html). Check it out if you have a chance. Well, this will be quite an interesting weekend, and I know I will make sure to update after my doctor's visit on Tuesday. Hopefully, it will be my 'birthday'!